On a lighter note, Anton and I discovered Hank & Howie tonight, so now I'm fantasizing about living on a farm and spending all my time raising bloodhounds.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQMgxt_NnPI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVXxcLFPNK8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIRRUACYKEo&feature=related

I made an important but depressing realization today. I have zero self-discipline. Yes, I can be a hard worker. I get things done at work efficiently, I practice my music, I wash dishes and vacuum (er, sometimes). But it's never instrinsically self-motivated. I never decide on a personal regimen and stick to it. Sure, I'll get things done when there's a deadline, or when there is some other ulterior motive. But I don't do ANYTHING that's self-driven for the sake of reaching a personal long-term goal. Maybe Weight Watchers in the one exception. But at the moment I'm totally slacking. I try to commit to exercising, but don't follow through. I desperately want to spend more time tidying the house and beautifying my living space, but I just don't do it. It's like I want to take the path of least resistance, avoiding hardship. Maximizing fun & carefree-ness is the priority. Oddly, I think "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" really got to me... (but I highly recommend the book!) I wonder how I wouldn't have turned out (discipline-wise) if I'd been raised by a Chinese mother.

a "green" victory

On Monday morning, I did my usual Starbucks stop on the way to work. I stood in line far longer than I should have, and then the newbie drink-maker idiotically took the next customer's order and skipped me in line. When I tried to explain that I hadn't given my order yet, she essentially ignored me, then proceeded to make the next customer's drink, and I, powerless, was forced to wait yet again. For no reason. When she finally did make my drink, it was completely overflowing and messy and stupid. Nice.

As annoying as this experience was, it turned out to be momentous -- because I decided to give up Starbucks right then and there! TAKE THAT! Seriously, why do I spend $3 there EVERY DAMN DAY? It's a huge waste of time, money, plastic cups... it's just not worth it. Plus, those kinds of experiences (which happen quite often... we've all been there right?) are just needless sources of stress that start my day off in a bad mood. I'm done with it!

I have been wanting to try making my own iced coffee for a while now, so I finally tried it. Turns out it's the easiest thing ever. I brewed a batch of really strong dark-roast coffee (it's Dunkin' Donuts brand... don't judge me! It's cheap and tasty!), let it cool, poured it into a pitcher & refrigerated it. Now I keep the pitcher in the fridge and can help myself to iced coffee all week long! Just add a little milk & ice & YUM. I enjoy it much more when I've made it myself.

On a similar note, Anton & I have also decided to give up buying plastic water bottles. For years now, we've been buying those huge 24-bottle packs of Arrowhead or Ralph's water. Yes, they are convenient, but talk about wasting money and being environmentally unfriendly!

So, we got one of those large Brita filters -- not the pitcher kind, but the kind that's boxy and has a spout. I love it! I just fill up my water bottle every morning and take it with me.

Just wanted to celebrate these little victories. :-) It feels SO good to be green & save some green.

Grump, grump, GRUMPY! WHY AM I SO F*CKING GRUMPY THIS WEEK? I am an ugly person when I'm grumpy. Ugly & nasty. I don't LIKE observing the grumpiness. I SEE the behavior from myself and abhor it! But I just can't turn it off! Everything makes me AAANNNGGGRRRYYY!

THINGS THAT MAKE ME GRUMPY

1. Boss doesn't give me enough information to complete a task.

2. Boss assumes that I will MAGICALLY understand what "djoq3erm" [insert illegible chicken scratches] means on the instructions he's written up for me. COME ON.

3. The mailbox near my office smells like piss EVERY TIME.

3. I forgot my $2.99 Subway coupon at lunch.

4. Los Angeles drivers.

5. Lack of sleep.

I can't think of anything else right now. I think I'm calming down.

Ok. Enough of that. Time for some grumpiness antidotes:

4th of July

At about 7 PM, Anton and I realized that we had ZERO plans for the 4th of July. I mean, we knew all along that we didn't have a plan, but for some reason it really only started to matter at 7:00, when it sunk in that, no, we weren't going to be magically invited to a friend's barbecue, and no, our grill wasn't going to magically clean & repair itself for functional use in food preparation. No, no. We had no plan, and we were just LAME.

As we sat around lamenting our lameness, I decided that the best way to handle the situation would be to document how we spent our day! Yeah! Then maybe it would seem more awesome! So here goes...

Would you look at that! Yes! THERE'S our 4th of July, right there in a big pile on the floor! Here's the stuff we intended to clean up today.... but didn't.

Did some yoga with Rodney Yee!

In a dress!

Rearranged our kitchen stuff! Anton built the cabinet, I put down shelf liner, we cleaned the appliances and put them away. See, we WERE productive! Just like those heroic patriots whose victory we celebrate today.

Went to TGI Friday's, like TRUE AMERICANS!

Drank happy hour Long Island Ice Teas!

Practiced our secret handshake!

Had a front row seat for the fireworks inside TGI Friday's!

Our planless evening actually turned out rather perfectly. Except for the 2 hours it took to get out of the damn parking lot.

Happy Fourth of July!

Let thoughts come and go - just don't serve them tea.

Today I attended a meditation session at the Beginner's Mind Zen Center in Northridge. It consisted of two 30-minute sittings with kinhan (walking meditation) in between. I had never done anything like this before. When I was in high school I tried basic Tai Chi, which involved some standing meditation, and I've been doing yoga on and off for years. I'm familiar with the basics of calming the mind and sitting, but this was a different experience altogether.

At this point in my life, I'm beginning to understand the importance of "letting go" on many levels, but actually doing that is often tricky. Often OCD thoughts clog my mind and I'm unable to quiet them. I tend to harbor anger more than I would like to admit. For these reasons, I have felt for some time now that I would very likely benefit from meditating regularly. Anything that encourages my mind to be calm and "thought-free" for extended periods of time is a good thing!

The Zen Center is actually located within a private home in a residential area. I entered around the back into a gorgeous garden. From there, I entered the zendo (place where we meditate) to find raised platforms (a little higher than bench-height) with cushions for sitting. My fellow newbies and I had a little instruction from an experienced Zen practitioner about how the session would go. This was very helpful - I didn't realize how much ritual would be involved during the course of the morning, so it was good to have a head's up about what to expect.

We did our first 30-minute zazen sitting. It occurred to me that a younger version of myself might have been stressed out by the idea of an entire half-hour of motionless sitting, but today I was totally up for it. Now, that's not to say I didn't get a little uncomfortable about halfway into it -- my legs aren't very limber these days, so they weren't too happy being crossed in the same position for several minutes. But I adjusted myself when necessary, and tried to simply accept that I was experiencing sensations (whether it was leg pain, sounds from birds in the garden, or an itchy nose) and let them go as much as possible. Not trying to force myself to do any particular thing was key, I think. For the most part, I was really able to just "zone out" and allow thoughts to flow in and out without really processing them. Our instructor told us a Suzuki-roshi quote that I just love, and I think it really helped me: "Let your thoughts come and go. Just don't serve them tea."

Then the very, very slow walking meditation in a circle around the small zendo. I was told to heighten my awareness of the sensory experience -- feel the temperature of the wood touching my bare feet, notice how the weight shifts from foot to foot -- while maintaining the zazen state of mind. After a few minutes of this, we resumed our seats on the cushions and began the second 30-minute sitting. This time, one of the priests (I think they're called priests...?) gave a little "dharma talk" about ritual during practice -- very cool. She talked about how the rituals may seem meaningless at first, but as you do them more regularly, they start to have meaning, both in practice and in daily life.

After the last zazen sitting, we did a series of chants and bows. I thought this part was VERY interesting, but it wasn't my favorite. This may sound weird, but I was actually struck by how strongly this reminded me of the Episcopal church services I attended as a child. Obviously, there was no Jesus involved (nor any deity, really; it's supposed to be about honoring one's own "Buddha nature" rather than worshipping a god), but something about the chanting... it felt just like reciting the fricking Nicene Creed for some reason! I feel like I've been sort of "conditioned" against Christian practices (and that's a whoooooole other topic), so maybe I'm put off by all religious group rituals at this point? I don't know.

The tradition at the Zen Center (and I think all Zen centers, monasteries, etc.) is to do work after the session. Like, chores and stuff. For real. The priests distribute the work that needs to be done in the garden and around the facility, and then the students do it. I know this is totally un-Zen of me, but I have to admit that my gut reaction was, "You want me to pull weeds where?" But on a slightly humbler, less-superficial level, I could definitely appreciate the practice of work. It's like another ritual in the Zen routine, or something. It's part of your duty, your life, your practice. I remember reading a story in "Eat Pray Love" that Elizabeth Gilbert recounted about a monk who studied for many years. Every day he would make the tea, clean out the whatever, etc. Chores that were part of the daily routine. Then one day he reached enlightenment. And when he "came back down," so to speak.... what did he do? He made the tea, cleaned out the thing, and carried on as usual. So I guess the point is that continuing to perform these seemingly mundane tasks is an important part of your spiritual life, no matter what level of spirituality you've achieved.

(And another benefit of the work I was assigned: it turned out that my fellow weed-puller is a fantastic woman who graduated from the same suburban Chicago high school as me! What are the odds?!)

And that was it! We then had tea & snacks and socialized like regular people. It was really cool to see Peter and Jane (the priests/teachers who live at the house) sittin' around in their Japanese robes with mugs of tea and conversing with us as though we were at a 4th of July barbecue or something. They're just regular people! (Yeah, right... "regular" people who studied with THE Shunryu Suzuki-roshi, the teacher credited with singlehandedly bringing Zen to the U.S.!!!)

I had a wonderful experience today, and I'm so glad I did it. I fully intend to keep meditating at the Center. I hope this means a new chapter in the spiritual mind of Susan! I hope to get to know myself better through meditation. I was told today that Buddhism is the study of oneself. That might be just what I need right now.